beautiful struggle

Being vulnerable is the most difficult emotion for me to express yet I found myself in a situation recently where I had to be open about something I considered to be my most closely guarded secret which I will refer to as my “flaw.” It is not something that I am forthcoming about but in this particular scenario my insecurity about my “flaw” was expressed outwardly, to the point that I was not really being myself. I was not able to be care free and live in the moment for fear that it would be exposed.

This “flaw” has got my psyche all messed up. I feel like it is my fault this happened to me, that I am too young to be going through this and sometimes I feel that I am simply just not pretty. Now overall I  am a confident person but sometimes I experience a lack of confidence in this struggle with my insecurity.

Even with my face all made up in MK, a fresh pedicure and eyebrows freshly waxed I still do not feel beautiful at times. I guess beauty and confidence are really a reflection of how we feel about ourselves on the inside.

I eventually allowed myself to be vulnerable and confided in my friend about my “flaw” and then I felt like crying. I felt like crying because I was being completely open, I felt like crying because I was wondering if I would be viewed differently, I felt like crying because I wondered if I would judge someone else with my “flaw.” My friend kept reassuring me that I am beautiful but I could not see it. And in the back of my mind I kept thinking how can you think that I am beautiful? (this is deep) Even though I know my “flaw” is not me I was afraid of being judged. The rational me knows that my friends love me without condition but the emotional side of me was preparing not to be accepted.

The word beautiful was lost on me because I did not believe it. The word beautiful was lost on me because I did not feel it.  The word beautiful was just that to me a “word.”

Life would be all so simple if someone could just give us a compliment and all of our insecurities would fade to black.

No matter how much reassurance I get from others I cannot embrace my beauty until I give myself permission to be flawed, imperfect and still worthy enough to be loved.

I am in the midst of this beautiful struggle and praying to God to free me of this insecurity so that I can be in love with the me that he created.

Maybe if I tell myself I am beautiful everyday I will start to believe it and eventually become the victor in this beautiful struggle.

the trust factor

I have fond memories of growing up in my 2-parent household. It wasn’t perfect but I was a happy child and teenager. My parents are my best friends I talk to them about most everything.

Specifically I want to reflect on my relationship with my father.  My dad was not only a provider but he was present. As a little girl I remember holding on to my father’s leg as he walked around the house, I remember my Dad carrying me across the street to the babysitter’s house even though my long legs were hanging because I said I was too tired, I remember my Dad taking me to K-mart to take pictures and buying me a bag of Cheetos. As a junior high student my Dad was sometimes the chauffer for me and my drill team, cheerleader friends. He was there for the day to day and the big moments like graduation and hopefully will walk me down the aisle one of these days.

I think I also got my love of music from my father, and I find myself sitting in the car like he does waiting until my favorite song goes off. My father’s birthday is coming up soon and I am so happy to have him in my life. My parents are still married and showing what commitment and longevity looks like.

I say all of this because I realize that I am one of the lucky ones to have a Dad that did not disappoint me.

The other day while on social media there was a post about checking your significant other’s cell phone and one young lady was a huge advocate of checking her mate’s phone to make sure that he wasn’t cheating and as a means to protect her heart. And her reasoning was because she had a sibling the same age as her from another woman, and that basically men cant be trusted. It broke my heart a little because she was let down in a major way by one of the people she should have been able to trust the most. I could not relate to her but I understood her truth.

I remember when I was in college and I was dealing with this guy and I was at his house by myself while he ran an errand, something came over me and I could not help myself  I started looking through his things. And I found a picture of a little boy that I thought may have been his son. I didn’t say anything to him for many reasons one of them being that I likely didn’t have the confidence to do so, and the other is that I had some bad feelings about snooping.

I truly believe that when you go looking for something, you will find it. My thoughts are be with someone that is trustworthy and be trusting. As I commented on the social media post “If you have to check someone’s phone clearly there are trust issues, free that man and yourself”

Snooping is based on mistrust and some level of insecurity.

Of course I have my own insecurities. But I am glad that my Dad is trustworthy so that I can be trusting of men, with a healthy dose of skepticism of course. I trust people until given a reason not to.

So if you snoop what do you if you find something that you don’t like:

A. Confront this person about what you found snooping or,

B. Be secret mad at them

What say you?

 

2014 in Review

You know what 2014 was not so bad, despite the few episodes in which I felt the need to quote Drake’s “No New Friends” it was cool but I digress.

1. I’m going to go back a couple of years just to bring everything full circle. In 2012 I left a dead-end job I hated to pursue a commission based career. Remained in the commission based job for approximately 2 years. Just in case you do not know this is a REALLY BIG DEAL. For 2 years I did not know exactly when I would get paid, but God. God provided all my needs and some of my wants. I still had the same bills that most of you have: rent/mortgage, car note etc. And to make things more interesting I had to get another car during that time, which meant getting financed without being able to prove my income. And I was able to get a new car. In September of this year I was in a situation where I had to find another job within 90 days and instead of panicking I took action, by asking for referrals and actively/passively looking for work. It never occurred to me that I would have to give up my place, I just put a plan together and worked the plan. I say all of this to emphasize that God will provide you just have to trust him. My faith has grown and I am learning not to worry about so many things. I do my part and hand it over to God.

2. I am also in a place of restructuring, building a foundation. I had to downgrade my lifestyle and I am so OK with that. In past experiences I allowed myself to get into financial distress trying to maintain possession of things. The lesson learned here is that those things were only “things.” True joy comes from within.

3. I am truly happy. No further explanation needed. Well maybe a little. I am happy because I am blessed. I love my family. I have great friends. I am in good health.

4. I am flattered by connections from “former interests” who like to romanticize the past. Makes me feel like I still got it. It is nice to revisit that place but I live in the present 😉

5. 2014 has been a very controversial, emotional, racially charged year with situations that occurred in Ferguson with Mike Brown, Eric Garner in NYC and Tamir Rice in Dayton area. I LOVE YOU my Black Brothas and I support you. #blacklivesmatter

This song is dedicated to our Black Men
Brotha-Jill Scott

maybe it’s nothing

I feel like I am being tested, or tempted.

I received an email from a guy that I dated during my mid-twenties, he sent this message about a year ago just to touch base and I thought nothing of it. Matter of fact it was a welcomed surprise.

I did not know if he was still living in my city so it was cool to hear from him.

He reached out to me on social media again recently and it kinda got my brain to wandering…why is he reaching out to me this time? Am I over-thinking this? Maybe it’s nothing.

That thing called intuition is no joke *sigh*

Oh yeah forgot to mention he is married with children.

While I am flattered that he thought of me and still finds me attractive, my mind is telling me to leave this alone. But now I’m struggling with this thing called curiosity.

Intuition vs. Curiosity

He wants to catch up with me but does not want to tell his wife…so if I hang out with him does that make me the other-woman-to-be? Cheating is doing something that you would not tell your spouse, right? I am not trying to play the role of the other woman, I’m just trying to chat about life that has happened over the last decade or so.

He was significant in my dating life. There is a lot of history. We had lots of fun together but there were other times he made me so angry that I cried, or became the crazy woman that called incessantly.

But somehow through all the drama and all the promises I made about never talking to him again, we would find our way back to each other.

Him reaching out made me reminisce, reflect and of course romanticize.
It made me think back on a more optimistic side of myself in regards to dating and relationships.

I want to meet up with him, but when you have enough life experience you understand how things can happen when someone just wants to catch up.

Emotions can get in the way of reason.

And I question…

Is he happy in his marriage? If he is then why is he reaching out to me?
When I asked about his family why did he only mention his children? Is he testing the waters? Is he trying to fill a void? Does he have an angle?

All these red flags…

Emotions vs. Mind

The attention from a man can be intoxicating so much that you start to justify your actions and what is wrong now becomes right in your mind.

So how do you prevent yourself from slipping into the role of the other woman?

Answered simply, you just cannot entertain “him”

**OK Pause**

Maybe you’re trippin’ and reading too much into this.

Maybe it’s nothing…

the scenario

Guy #1

Last November I got a text from a male friend of mine asking me out to dinner and I happily agreed because I had not seen him in a long time. The subsequent text asked if I was available on Friday or Saturday, and I replied Saturday.

So he made a reservation at a very nice upscale restaurant downtown and followed up with me to let me know that dinner is set for Saturday at 7PM. OK I am impressed at this point but a part of me is preparing to be disappointed based on previous dating experiences. The day finally came and he sent me a message at 1PM “See you tonight for dinner”  I’m feeling good because I was going to confirm with him but he took the initiative and followed up with me first.

We agreed to meet at the restaurant and he proceeded to give me instructions on where to park. This may seem like too much to some but I appreciated having the man lead and have a plan. It is nice to feel like a lady sometimes and let someone else handle the details.

The maitre d led us to our table which was in a corner near a window with a view of downtown. Apparently it is very difficult to get this table, so I began to wonder if my friend made a special request. That’s just my mind wandering…but I digress.

My only task was simply to be good company.

This restaurant brings the meat to your table and you go to the buffet to get your sides, so I followed him to the buffet and he asked me what I wanted and made my plate for me.

We returned to the table and talked and talked and talked some more. Had dessert and a couple glasses of wine.

The conversation was so nice that we were there until the restaurant closed.

So this “date” was good all the way around: spending time with a gentleman and being treated like a lady.

It is refreshing to not always have to play the “strong” role.

I was on a high after this date and had a renewed perspective on this dating thing.

Guy #2

A few days later I got a text from another guy at 12:30AM asking me to “come over.”

I was going to go completely off but decided it is just better to not reply at all, and not entertain this dude.

I was still on a high from my date at the upscale restaurant so this late night/early morning text did not strongly affect me but it was mildly disappointing after being treated so well a few days earlier by a gentleman.

One of the guys in this story is Black and the other is White.

I will let you determine what story matches up with which guy.

 

the friend experience

I have talked to many friends about this situation including ReD, PUrple, and oRange. To understand the names given to my friends you will have to check out a blog I wrote over 2 years ago entitled “i LOVE my girls” in which I discussed how each of my close friends are special to me.

“I love you but I don’t trust you”  these are words uttered to me by my friend yeLLow.

Here is an excerpt from my blog on how I felt about this particular friend.

“yeLLow is my partner in crime she has a magnetic personality that draws people to her. She is a lot of fun to be around and makes any outing more interesting. I love her because I can tell her anything without fear of being judged. yeLLOw is quick to listen and provide an objective view that sometimes challenges what I feel or is in direct opposition. But that is the nature of this friendship, we can openly express ourselves and know that any advice or input is coming from a place of love.”

So it is difficult to fast forward almost 3 years from the time I wrote this blog and find that me and her are no longer friends.

Why doesn’t she trust me? The short story is I chose to do something that would help me but simultaneously it was something that made her uncomfortable. I attempted to be a friend and tell her directly in a conversation. So it is a catch 22. If I did not tell her and she found out some other way she would have been upset but me telling her also made her upset…

I have tried many times to reconcile and in the process have gotten my feelings hurt. So I’m tired of whining to anyone that has listened to this story. I am tired of hearing myself tell this story. I have to move on. In some ways I have moved on but I feel like writing this blog will finally give me the closure that I need.

This situation has been such a drain on me emotionally, and I’m not really sure how love and mistrust can coexist but I guess that is her perspective and I have to accept it for what it is. I recall a very heated text exchange with her prior to an appointment with a client and I had to do all that I could to present myself as professionally as possible in spite of what she said to me about my character. I am a good friend and I know that in my heart.

I confided in yet another friend about this text exchange. And I was SO upset. This friend was concerned about me and called the next day to make sure that I was OK. And this was my eye opening moment, the fact that I was SO angry told me that I have to let this go for my own sanity and well being.

So after all this time I am no longer open to trying to fix this friendship. If someone extends the olive branch to you on multiple occassions and you keep making excuses as to why you do not have the time, it should be expected that this person will no longer keep trying to pursue the friendship. This is where I’m at and have been in this place for some time.

I’m not going to be fake and say that I wish her well…don’t get me wrong I do not wish her any harm.

I am just indifferent.

We had a good friendship while it lasted.

I share this story to express that the loss of a friendship can be painful.

Reason. Season. Lifetime.

into my feelings

Warning:

I have really been into my feelings lately.

I have stated to a few friends that I am taking time away from my social circle, simply because I crave new energy. I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling except to say that I desire realness.

It just seems that people create a facade that they want others to perceive but their true self is buried somewhere deep, deep down. Has social media created this inauthenticity that only presents us as surface individuals with absolutely no depth?

We show off our clothes and other possessions, I’m not sure if that is to impress others or a desire to make others envy us…this kinda reminds me of elementary school children waiting until the third week of school to show off their new school clothes. At this phase in life have we really transitioned from those children on the playground?

Where are the real people? 

I am a huge advocate of discretion but I am tired of biting my tongue to protect the guilty. That hurts literally and figuratively. People proclaiming to be “religious” yet sending me text messages at 12:30 AM asking me to come over. Or acting like you kinda/sorta know me but when you and my friend break up you are sending me “poke” requests on Facebook…are people considerate anymore or just overly concerned with their own gratification?

Maybe I’m being unrealistic for expecting words and actions to line up. But when you say something I am looking for you to follow through. Words carry a lot of weight to me but it seems now it is ok to speak lightly or say things that we think others want to hear as we casually pass each other while giving church hugs to our “associates.”

Like I said I’m really in my feelings right now

We seek attention by bragging about what we have done to help the less fortunate. Are we glorifying God, ourselves, or seeking approval from our peers?

Some of us want to appear open minded by dwelling on Lupita’s (actress) beauty but somehow I feel that if she was not Hollywood she would get passed by….

These are just my thoughts.

Who are we really trying to impress?

I wrote this to encourage introspection, look a little deeper into self.

 
Like I said I’m just really into my feelings today…

 

 

 

 

2013: deidra in review

I cannot believe it is that time again but as 2013 comes to a close and we are on the cusp of 2014 I wanted to take time to reflect over my experiences and lessons learned:

*If you want any relationship to work honesty, candor and communication (person to person no technology) are required. I know you are probably thinking that is pretty obvious…and it is a totally easy concept in theory but can be difficult to practice.

*Do not assume that someone knows that you love them…tell them and then back it up with your actions. Love is not only a noun it is also a verb.

*I have the right to feel the way I want to feel. However I will give myself a time limit on sulking. Sometimes you have to make a concerted effort to make yourself feel better. Happiness is a choice.

*I have learned that I cannot get mad at others for doing something that I did not tell them they could not do. OK so take this statement somewhat literally. In other words set the expectation and if you don’t you cannot get mad at the other person for not doing what you want them to do. This is a business principle that I learned but it is so applicable in my personal life.

*It is perfectly fine to ask for help, because guess what I don’t know it all and neither do you 🙂
So I reached out to a very successful individual to ask him to be my professional mentor and he gladly agreed to take on this role. I am excited and a little nervous about this journey but I know that I will develop into a better business person. It has been difficult sometimes for me to ask for help because I have let ego get in the way or just imagined in my head the absolute worse case scenario that could be the result of me asking for guidance.
I am working on that and seeing that some people really have my best interest and want me to succeed.

*Sometimes individuals that appear to have it all together really do not have it together. I don’t say that as an insult but just to emphasize that everyone has weaknesses, insecurities and vulnerabilities.

*I feel like I am growing more in my relationship with God, I am more sensitive to certain energy and beginning to feel a conflict with some things of the world.

*I try to be a person of my word and expect that from others but I have found myself disappointed on many occasions. So not sure what to do about that. Maybe expect nothing? Expect less? I don’t know I will keep working on that one…

*Stress on a friendship will either pull you closer together or push you further apart. I experienced that in 2013 and the results were not what I anticipated but I have gained closeness with some unexpected individuals.

*Let it go…negative energy, negative thoughts and negative people. The sooner the better. Holding onto negativity only puts stress on you. So move forward and let it go. I had to ask God to give me the strength to pray for someone that wronged me because I could not get past my anger. Prayer changes things.

In 2014 take a risk and follow your dreams. Everything you want is on the other side of FeAr!

why I hate fb…

So I deactivated my Facebook account for 2 months and it was very peaceful for me.

I let my account go because I began to internalize what I was reading which consisted of a lot of negativity, self-righteousness, and arrogance. There are probably other adjectives I am missing but I think you get the point.

If I’m being real with you there were certain people I disliked because of their Facebook post. I take some of the blame for becoming disengaged because I was a fb junkie, constantly scrolling while on my cell phone or whenever I was on the Internet for business or entertainment I always had my Facebook window up so I could see what my 500+ friends were up to.

It started out innocently enough but then I hit a wall.

*I got tired of reading about how to get and keep a man from people who have not had successful relationships.

*Sick of reading about side chicks, and how she should play her position

*Annoyed with reading about Facebook friends having haters
**sigh**
You know what? Sometimes people just don’t like you and it’s all good. I know a few people that don’t like me I don’t consider them haters they just might not like my style but I just continue being me.

*Outdone with receiving messages from guys in relationships trying to holla. I am SO over it. That inbox is going to be the death of some people.

*Irritated by reading how some man or woman did them wrong and how all men/women are the same.

*Bothered by self-congratulatory individuals

*Annoyed by some of the hyper sexual conversations. I know we are all grown but I am a huge advocate of discretion.

I might be seen as being too sensitive but I think I am at a point in my life where I just cannot let certain energy into my Spirit. I also feel that words have power so what we speak or read becomes a part of us.

I re-activated my account but may soon delete it again.

I crave organic relationships.

It is amazing how you can connect with over 500 people yet still feel disconnected.

Just my thoughts.

2012: deidra in review

2012 has been filled with many ups and downs. I know each situation I encountered was God’s way of making me stronger.

I’m just saying I’m a fast learner…God did not have to put me through all that 🙂
So with that being said let the life lessons commence.

*When we are angry we must be careful not to assassinate the other person’s character.

*Only people that matter to me can hurt my feelings, and I got my feelings hurt.

*Honesty. I’m not so sure it is the best policy. Honesty has caused me to lose relationships. Maybe I should tell people only what they want to hear and omit details to keep the peace. This honesty thing is still up for debate.

*Do not compare sorrows, what may be minor to you may be earth shattering to the next person.

*Stepping out on faith is key to getting the life you want. You may not know how the story will unfold but have trust that God will supply your needs.

*Leaving a previous employer is similar to a break-up, the good is overshadowed by the bad. And when you move on it is the bad that can take up residence in your mind. Let it go and speak greatness into your life.

*I do not know it all. I am constantly learning, evolving and growing. Life is dynamic.

*Life is everchanging so I am no longer trying to figure it out, I only want to make the best decisions with the information I have in my possession.

I define me.

I defy boundaries placed on me by others.

I am the VICTOR and not the victim.

2013 The Year of Love. Greatness and Prosperity!!!